laura (cinnamona666) wrote in nursing_illness,

update.. i am a survivor

I havent updated in here for awhile but I am so glad that you guys still post in here occasionally for support =)

ok.. where i left off:
i fell off my bike.. and incurred a very minor broken arm right before med-surg clinicals. Instructor wouldnt let me continue (doc thought i was capable.. i KNEW i was capable if given reasonable accomodations (ie. help with positioning and ambulating with patients). but then.. a fricken ocean of tears..endless phone calls and emails.. cruelty of the administration.. depression relapse.. bulimia relapse.. and knowing that i would lose a whole semester of nursing college later..........

i hath surviveth.. in better than just one piece

i recently finished my med surg rotation with the class behind me.. i did really well.. i got a 94% =). the free time now that the rotation is over (i cant take any other class as I didnt have the med-surg prereq).. has been eating at me like acid.. but im surviving that also.. ive been through hell with bad luck in finding jobs.. I didnt get the student nurse tech job at the VA this winter.. I lost my job with working with developmentally disabled adults..because i looked like the sister who abused one client.. and at another residence.. a client just didnt like one thing i said.. I cant get a CNA, NA, or PCT job as i dont have the required completed 2 semesters of nursing college.. Ive been dealing with bullshit from a health agency job..

damn.. putting all of this into one place.. damn.. i am a survivor. I have just fought back harder.. the recent loss of that job.. and agency frustration put me into another breakdown.. but i refuse to be a victim of life.. life doesnt just happen to me.. I can happen to life. The inner bitch and assertive individual inside has called the agency multiple times a day and voiced complaints. and well.. i am getting what i want.. hours!! =)

im just quite proud of myself.. i mean sometimes i feel like everyday is still this tiring struggle and my mind can be quite chaotic.. but i have stood up and fought for what i wanted the whole time. my depression is currently under control.. and i still havent reached the point in bulimia recovery that i had before the whole injury mess happened, but it will happen. im still struggling with it.. but im not paralysed by it.

everytime i think of the whole struggle.. and everything i will need to do to make my goals amidst all the chaos, random luck, etc i just want to give up and die.. but it really isnt so bad if taken in little pieces.

i look forward to my mental health advocacy speaking training this weekend. i can feel my power and im excited to use it

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